Monday, August 23, 2004

Still Moping

I can't resist writing more. Yes, my blog has become something of a whine-box. But so be it if it makes me feel better. Liberated, he says, of his current predicament. I never saw myself as one who would suffocate or choke my partner. So I can't quite understand why it would be a liberation from me/us. It's sad that we didn't have so much as a phone conversation before we called it quits. So many things left unsaid, so many things left undone. And he calls it a liberation. I do suppose that metaphorically, things have come full circle, with the closure of Centro, where we first met and talked, and how we've become almost strangers now..

I can say that I'm truly happy if he is at a better place right now than he has ever for the past 2 years. Yes. It is my fault that he feels that way. I suppose the cards are all laid out. He is happier now than before because of the split. For selfish reasons, I could call and bug him demanding an explanation. But what's there left to be said if he, self-admittedly, is enjoying his life so much more now? Would there be a point to all that? And then there is me, not necessarily feeling down all the time, but when the time comes when I'm just alone in my room, our shared past just flashes over and over again. Everything in that room reminded me of our past.

And hence, the reason to move out. And also, what with my mum asking incessantly about him and why hasn't he been visiting for so long. In response to her badgering, all I could offer was, "He's been busy with work." I guess it would be a good change to be more involved in varsity life. But of course, those memories of the past nibbles away somewhere in the core of me. Perhaps it is escapism that I moved out. Perhaps it is escapism that I've been going out for drinks so often. But guess what, at the end of it all, when I'm back in my room alone, the numbness just dissipates and it's back to square one. Back to square one, indeed..


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